the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I'm getting married
To pizza
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
