there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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