I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
