i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
