Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
