my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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