Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
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