it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
