you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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