No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
