hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize