I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Randomize
