Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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