so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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