you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
