If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
