Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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