I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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