I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
