I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
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