So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
