You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
