Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
