Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
