God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize