Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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