so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
