I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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