Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Randomize
