Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
