My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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