I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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