Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
