I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
