All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
