I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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