your parents love me but you hate me
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Randomize