So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
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