Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
