i think my tv is drunk
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
