sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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