someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
well you can't waste a boner
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
NoShamevember. You game?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
