Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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