I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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