I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Randomize
