can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
