Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Randomize
