you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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