Need sex. Gaining weight.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
