GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
