false alarm. still invincible.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Randomize
