He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
