She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize