note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
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