dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
