im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Randomize
