i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
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