I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
